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Indiana Code Section 15-2.1-21-13(b):
A person who dyes, stains, or otherwise alters the natural coloring of a bird or rabbit commits a Class B misdemeanor.
Ladies and gentlemen, keep your festive colors off of those chicks and rabbits.
Social Networking sites like Facebook and MySpace have become all the rage. They’re a pretty big deal. People will spend hours deliberating over what to use as their facebook picture… or so I’ve heard. But despite all of the posturing, one thing is true: you can tell a lot about someone by the facebook picture they choose.
So what is your facebook picture saying on your behalf1?
I do not believe this is true for all of the pictures shown.
It’s a crap shoot around here, isn’t it? I mean, sometimes you’ll fire up your browser window, navigate on over here, and find the most boring drivel you can think of. Sometimes I’m trying to be funny, sometimes serious, and other times not even I know what I’m doing.
Even still, it may come as a bit of a surprise to you that I’ve spent a good portion of my late morning reading lots and lots of websites about urine. I’m not entirely sure where this came from. I know that yesterday, somewhere, I heard that Aron Ralston1 had to drink his own urine to survive. My initial reaction, as you might expect, was “ew”. Today I saw some reference to urine-drinking in a FARK thread and my curiosity piqued. What follows is way, way more information about drinking your own urine than you ever wanted to know, and hopefully considerably more than you’ll ever need.
That’s the guy who got his arm trapped by a boulder and had to amputate it to survive.
Any time there’s a link posted at FARK about someone on a cell phone, the cell phone nazis come out. I hate cell phone Nazis. I’m not talking about the people who would like it if you didn’t scream into the phone… I’m talking about the idiots who seem to have some sort of vendetta against anyone who talks on the phone anywhere near them.
Assuming the person is not being as loud/distracting as two people having a conversation… you have to wonder if the person isn’t just upset because they can’t eavesdrop on the whole conversation. Or maybe they, too, have a cell phone and nobody calls them. Their jealousy shines through and results in them being pissy at anyone “popular” enough to talk to someone on the phone.
Then there are the “just don’t take phone calls in public” people. Listen, assholes… that’s what cell phones are for. So you can take them with you and be accessible all the time. If this wasn’t the point, you wouldn’t need anything more than a wireless handset for your land line. Is it rude to be talking on the phone in a restaurant? Maybe. Rude to the people you’re with, possibly, but certainly not rude to the people sitting at other tables. On public transportation? Nope. If you’re so bothered by other people’s noise, maybe you ought to invest in a set of ear-plugs.
And people who drive around with “Shut up and drive” bumper stickers… good god, don’t get me started. Just because you aren’t capable of driving well and carrying on a conversation doesn’t mean other people aren’t. I am. I talk on the phone all the time when I’m in the car. It’s never a problem.
But there’s the rub — if people are on the phone and it’s causing them to be rude, we need to realize that the rude behavior is not the cell phone… it’s whatever else they’re doing. If someone happens to be driving like an idiot because they are on the phone, the problem is not the phone, it’s the lousy driving. Nearby cell phone users do not cause your airbags to deploy… collisions do. Cell phones do not cut you off in traffic, careless drivers do. In short, the problem is not what the people are doing (talking on the phone, reading the paper, whatever), it’s what they’re not doing (paying attention to the world around them).
Gentlemen, this post is not for you. You should still read it, though, because odds are good that you know someone who needs to read this.
Ladies1, this post is not comprehensive. I promise that there are lots of other chances for you to royally screw up your life aside from these.
Now pay attention, because what follows is the gospel truth2.
Marriage is for life. Except when it’s not. But divorce does not give you back the years of your life that you spent, the money, or return your emotional investment. It basically just sucks and you don’t want to do it. The best way to avoid getting a divorce is to stay married. Failing that, the best way to not get a divorce is to not get married in the first place. Which of those options you choose depends on the person.
Simply put: you should not marry just any old fool who gives you dandelions picked from the neighbors lawn and is nice to your cat when you’re around.
There are some nearly fool-proof ways3 to tell if you are marrying someone who is really bad for you. I’m going to tell you what they are. I really should write this in a book so I can profit from it, but I’m feeling generous. So here you go…
1. Do not marry your first boyfriend. I am serious. I know it is hard to believe, but people have done this. Why? I don’t know. Probably because this advice column had not yet been written. Now, though, there is no excuse. If you think he’s amazing and wonderful… take a break. A long one. Have some other relationships. I promise: if what you have is so special, you will be thoroughly unimpressed with your new relationships. If you have already had some relationships and this one seems peachy-keen to you, good work. (Alternately, if you don’t like this idea, stay together for a LONG LONG TIME before getting engaged…and observe all of the following rules)
2. If he wants to propose to you within the first three months4, RUN. I’m serious. There is nothing stable, mature, or otherwise good about a guy who wants to sprint down the aisle. I mean, this should be obvious to you: most guys who are in great relationships and love their significant others to death still wake up in cold sweats when they dream about buying a ring, proposing, or getting married. This does not make your guy better, it makes him crazy. Crazy.
3. Do not give him credit for things that he’s supposed to do. If someone asks you what is so great about him and the only thing you can come up with is “He’s nice to me”, dump his sorry ass. “Nice to you” is something everyone should be. All of your friends should be “nice to you” (unless you insist on marrying this guy, but that’s another story) but you should not marry all of your friends. Your grandfather is nice to you. Would you say yes if he proposed? “Nice to you” is what earns him the first date. If you come back from your first date and think “Well, he’s nice to me” — that’s when you decline the second date because… you two are not meant for each other. Find someone who has qualities you like, not one who barely meets the minimum requirements for not finding him repugnant.
4. If you are from social classes that are miles apart, proceed with extreme caution. Not that people from lower (or higher) social classes are bad, just be aware that that class difference is going to put a gigantic strain on your relationship… especially if he is from a LOWER class than you. Hypothetically, if you are a doctor and he mops up pig entrails at a local butcher shop, this is probably not a good idea.
5. If you find yourself attracted to every guy who pays attention to you, this does not make you a “nice person” or “nonjudgmental” or “accepting”. It means that you need to sit down with a professional and figure out what’s wrong. When a reporter asked what kind of women he liked, Rick Bragg, a critically acclaimed southern writer, replied “I like the kind that like me… no point in likin’ any other kind.” This is funny, but it is a bad basis for selecting the love of your life. You know this is true because the reporters laughed, and you know that reporters have a horrible sense of humor, so it must have been very funny.
6. Listen to your friends. You should listen to them before you get engaged, too, but pay special attention to how the severity of their opinion changes. If they get much happier for you, it is probably disingenuous. I know this sounds counter-intuitive… but if they thought it was a great relationship to begin with, they’d have been really happy all along5. They are happy because you are happy. If they get much stronger in their dislike for the guy, be very wary. This is especially true if the opinion is from either a close, trusted friend or is a pattern of opinion you see building up in all of your friends. These people are not stupid. Listen to them. And ignore any of them whose best words of support are “As long as you’re happy.” That phrase should never have been invented because all it means is “OH MY GOD! What are you doing to yourself!?” One of the best long-term things you can do for yourself is to LISTEN TO YOUR FRIENDS. They are objective. They are not “in the moment”. They are not stupid6.
7. Listen to yourself. If you find yourself making a lot of excuses for him… or saying things like “But we love each other!” on a frequent basis, there is probably trouble brewing. Love is wonderful and necessary… but love is not all that is required for a successful long-term relationship. In fact, I’d guess that most all couples who get married are in love when they do… things change. The novelty wears off… how long are you going to tolerate making excuses for him? Bottom line: knock it off.
8. This goes along #6… if your relationship forces you to forego most all of your other human relationships — or if you find yourself wanting that — there is probably something unhealthy about it. You might think that this is just a sign that your love is sooo strong and that what you have is sooo good, but you would be wrong. Your significant other should compliment your social life, not abduct you from it. Be honest about this. Do not pretend like work is causing the problem. Do not pretend like it’s just unfortunate schedules. Also be very careful if he doesn’t like your other friends. He doesn’t have to like all of them, of course, but if he doesn’t care for any of them (or acts too anti-social to meet them or be around them… or does so only grudgingly) be very concerned.
So there you have it. Read the list. Take stock of your life. Get out before it is too late. Even if you don’t feel comfortable breaking up totally, at least take a break from the engagement… after all, if you’re right and it is wonderful and great… it’ll wait for you because, as we all learned in 8th grade, true love waits, and fake love tries to coerce you into swallowing.
1 - Amanda: this post doesn’t apply to you. I am great. Please do not dump me.
2 - Much like everything else on this blog, but sometimes it bears repeating.
3 - That is to say, if you have these reasons, you need to dump the guy, but absence of these indicators is not a “Seal of Approval”
4 - Caveat: if he is going off to war (or something like war), you might ignore this for practical reasons, though I’m not sure. Think about it.
5 - It could also be that they weren’t paying attention and they assume that since you’re getting married it must be great. These people sometimes forget that over half of all marriages end in divorce.
6 - If you have a lot of stupid friends, you are beyond my help. I’m sorry.
I’ve always had a tremendous respect for our armed forces and this country’s amazing military. That respect was instilled in me by my father, a Marine who was wounded in Vietnam. The most serious of his injuries, however, weren’t inflicted by guns, bombs, or bayonets but by the hell and atrocity of war itself.
He struggled valiently and silently for more than 30 years with those mental emotional wounds and despite not always being the man that he could’ve been, or wanted to be, he was the best father and husband possible under the circumstances.
My father grew tired of fighting the lingering demons and took his own life in November of last year.
For as long as I can remember, I’ve given appropriate recognition to this nation’s military holidays, usually with a call to the old man to thank him for his sacrifice. To be certain, Memorial Day will have a different meaning this year and in the years to come.
So here’s to the nation’s armed forces, and to anyone whose friend or love one made the ultimate sacrifice for this great nation.
A note to my dad below the fold… in case he still has internet access wherever he is.
Dad,
I didn’t know when I called you on Veterans Day last year that it would be our last time to talk. Maybe I should have. You sounded tired and beat down. We all knew something was wrong, but we didn’t know what we could do for you. I know that one of the hardest things for you was your kids growing up… I knew then I should’ve spent more time with you when I could have, but I was too busy doing my own thing. It seems silly in retrospect, doesn’t it?
I have the same regrets that everyone feels who loses someone so important to them. I wish I had told you more often how much you meant to me, how I owe pretty much every success in my life to you and Mom. There are no shortage of great memories… but who wouldn’t wish for more? You knew I loved you and respected you… but who wouldn’t want to tell you so just one more time? So, I guess, just in case you’re still keeping up with me on here like you used to…
Thank you for your sacrifices as a Marine. Thank you for your sacrifices as a parent. Thank you for always being there for me and I’m sorry that I couldn’t return the favor when you needed it the most. There are so many things that I’d give anything for you to be around to see, but that just wasn’t in the cards. I know you felt bad for some of the things that happened during your last few years, but we understand and I hope one day to have a fraction of the strength you needed to endure the years of nightmares and flashbacks. Everyone needs a hero and I’m sorry that it took your death for me to realize just how heroic you really were.
Rest In Peace, Daddo. We miss you and love you.
-Your #1 Son
Some students at Indiana University — Bloomington School of Law are going to be their spring break helping hurricane victims. This post is coming in two parts… an announcement and a request:
1. Announcement: (For IU Law Students)
Jen, Butcher, and others are working with the IU Student Hurricane Network to organize a trip to New Orleans over spring break to give legal (and other) aid to hurricane victims. We’ll be down there for about a week (Mar 10-19) and will be assigned things to do buy the National Student Hurricane Network. All we need is to get ourselves down there. There will be a call out meeting Tuesday, Jan 31 at noon in room 122 for anyone interested.
2. Request: (For Bloggers and other interested parties)
We will, obviously, need places to stay, and other forms of information and assistance for our trip and our stay. If anyone has any information or could help us in any way, we would all be very much appreciated. Please leave a comment or email pholiday@indiana.edu with offers of any sort of support (including emotional) and I’ll pass it along to the appropriate parties.
Also, if you have a blog a link to this post would be greatly appreciated.
Some of you may know that I have a bit of an infatuation with Katie Holmes. Well… had a bit of an infatuation with Katie Holmes. I mean, when the rumors were going around about the herpes I ignored it… just paparazzi nonsense… whatever. This whole Tom Cruise thing? I can deal with that. Girl’s got dreams. It’s not at all creepy that he’s like twice her age. But she recently went too far by subscribing to Tommy boy’s crazy-ass, creepy, sci-fi pseudo-religion. Katie, I hate that it had to end this way, but I’m totally breaking up with you as my one-way celebrity crush. You’re old and busted. Natalie Portman, my friends, is the new hotness. This is not news, but I’ve been in denial. She had me at “retarded oscar.”
Just in case you need a little help remembering…
So there you go. Katie, you’re dead to me.
The Little Ruckus IMed me last night because she and the Big Ruckus had come upon an interesting problem. Guys, we all know the universal sign(s) for “Dude, your fly’s down” — those extremely subtle hints that we pass to each other in crowded bars and parties that to alert our fellow man that they might unwittingly find themselves on the receiving end of jokes and stories for years to come if they do not quickly remedy the situation.
Women, I’ve been told, do not have such a system. If a woman sees another woman “forecasting the weather” in public, there’s little she can to do subtly alert her friend that every man inside a 5 mile radius is looking in her general direction — as though he was not aware, until that very moment, that she had nipples.
Ryne, apparently, suggested what was referred to as the “air tweak” — Morgan doesn’t think that’s subtle enough. I, personally, think that the witness should just discretely rub the victims nipples in a “wax on, wax off” sort of motion until the victim gets the picture. For whatever reason, Morgan didn’t think that would work.
So, since I cannot seem to put a serious mind to this problem without becoming rather distracted, I’m passing this along to you, fair readers, to solve.
What should be the International Symbol for “You’re nipping out”?
Memorandum on the Propriety of Sex-Dream Blogging
TO: THE INTERNETS
FROM: PETE HOLIDAY
CC: RACHEL WEHNER
DATE: 2005-05-23
SUBJECT: SEX-DREAM BLOGGINGThe world of blogging, having neither a set of widely accepted, rigid style guidelines nor a governing body at times finds itself stepping beyond the pale of what a reasonable person would call acceptible. In fact, there are entire subjects which all but beg to be over done when blogged about. Sex dreams are just such a subject.
It must be noted that blogging about sex dreams is much preferable to blogging about actual sex, as it is quite clear that blogging about a sex dream can be intended to pass along any number of different emotions ranging from humor to pity but blogging about real, in-the-flesh sex can convey only one thing: “I’m dirty slut.” There are, of course, euphemistic ways of conveying such things (both that the author is a dirty slut and that the author had some sort of sexual contact) without actually resorting to blow-by-blow details, but the appropriateness of sex-blogging is beyond the scope of this communiqué.
The official policy on blogging sex dreams, for future reference, is, in general “Don’t. Just don’t.” There are exceptions, of course, mainly for those whose blogs are already very sexual in nature or for those authors that are already known to be dirty sluts. In other situations, one has to consider who might eventually find their blog1. Furthermore, those authors known to be either a) highly virignal or b) in a ‘dry spell’ need to consider that their sex-dream blogging is going to look more “sad” than “edgy”.
In short, bloggers simply need to keep their sexual escapades (be they real or fantasy) off of their blogs. In addition to just being The Right Thing To Do™ It’s for their own good. So let’s just not do that any more, alright? Good.
1 - for those who are new to the concepts of “people are nosey”, “the internet”, or “google knows everything”: the possible list of people who could very potentially find your blog is “everyone.”
Won’t someone think of the children!?
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