Beef: Proper Care and Preparation

Ladies and gentlemen, we have reached yet another juncture in this crazy weblog journey where I plan to impart some wisdom which is not solely my opinion, but unblemished fact. There are contrary opinions but, and I hate to be the to tell you this, those opinions are crap. They are also wrong. Wrong and crap, those other opinions. I know that you’re all just licking your chops — waiting with bated breath — for me to get started with the dispensation of knowledge, so that’s just what I’m going to do.

This evening, while eating with a friend of mine, who we will call “Laura” (because that’s her name) it was revealed to me that some people, even some with proper upbringings, are not quite aware of the proper way to prepare beef for consumption. Now, I don’t mean how to keep from getting food poisoning. I’m not speaking of the type of wine which goes best with a slab of prime rib, and I’m not even going to discuss the correct things in which to marinate a stake (and yes, there are right and wrong things for that). What we’re talking about today is the appropriate level of cookedness and the presence of other ingredients, marinades, and additives. If you are uninitiated, you may see fit to disagree with what you are about to read. Please resist this temptation, as doing so will only lead to public embarrassment. If you are of the Beef Initiate and you see fit to disagree with the following, I hate to break it to you, but you need to go back to class and be reprogrammed re-educated.

There are many ways to prepare beef: five to be exact. They range from “Rare” to “Well” and, as you’ll see shortly, “Well Done” is a bastardization of language and a misnomer of the most severe degree. First we’re going to begin with a fact: the goodness of beef comes from the juices. JUICES, folks. The closer to “rare” the beef is, the more juices it has in it and, therefore, the better it tastes. If you prefer things to be “well” because you think they taste better, the bottom line is that you don’t really like beef — you like supple leather and you might be well served to get a move to Italy and eat sofas and car upholstery because that’s pretty much what “well done” steak is.

Now, I can almost hear your squeals, “GROUND BEEF HAS TO BE WELL DONE!” and “THERE AREN’T ANY JUICES IN GROUND BEEF!!” First off, quit thinking in caps, that’s annoying. Second, my dear readers, understand that just because juice does not ooze from ground beef does not mean it is juiceless. Yes, there is less juice in a hamburger patty than, say, a sirloin, but don’t mistake that for a lack of yummy moisture. The shortage, though, is even stronger evidence in support of not cooking your burgers “well”.

To review, there are two primary problems with “well done” beef. The first is that the good beefy taste is replaced by one consistent with gnawing on the floor of a college bar. The second is that the texture becomes something wholly disgraceful. Now, either of these sins can be independently excused (though begrudgingly), but willingly executing both of them should be grounds for the worst kind of non-fatal beating possible. You just shouldn’t waste good beef like that. Hell, you shouldn’t even wast bad beef like that.

Let’s cut right to the chase, The Five Commandments of beef eating:

1. Thou shalt not eat faux beef: if you want a burger, order a fucking burger. If you’re a vegetarian, don’t pretend. It’s insulting to the cows.
   
2. Thou shalt not marinate your steaks in shit: Steak marinades should be carefully chosen and concocted by hand in order to SUBTLY ENHANCE the taste of the beef, not mask it. Things like Dale’s (AKA: Redneck Soy Sauce) are to be avoided at all costs.
   
3. Thou shalt not cook beyond medium-well: And, folks, Medium Well is really pushing the envelope. If you have to go beyond medium, start weening yourself off of that… it’s like walking around with a damn pacifier in your mouth at age 30.
4. Thou shalt not serve or eat dry meat: If you simply must commit Sin #3, have the presence of mind to use marinades or additives to keep it moist and juicy. (see The Second Commandment)
5. Thou shalt not seek to insult or degrade meat eaters who follow the above commandments: Mocking those who know how to order a steak (Rare to Medium Rare) is an offense not because it might insult the eater (they obviously know to disregard your pointless banter) but because it exposes your naivety and pure beef ignorance. None of us like to be reminded that there are still beefools out there after decades of attempts at education… and that’s not even to speak of vegetarians.

What’s that? Don’t like colors besides shades of grey in your meat? Tough shit. They call it “red meat” for a reason, and it ought to be some shade of red. If you have some sort of complex over red meat, get over it — it really is a character flaw. You shouldn’t be scared of a dead animal that has been specially prepared for you to eat. If you just cannot stand the thought of eating meat with a little pink in it, do the rest of us the favor of not insulting us with your disgusting leather-eating habits, ok? (also, stay away from Salmon)

In conclusion, realize that there is, indeed, a correct and incorrect way to prepare your beef. If you choose to operate outside of these guidelines, realize that you are wrong and that your behavior is patently offensive not just to beef eaters, but to cows as well. They hate to see their kinfolk wasted on such silliness as “Well done” hamburgers and steaks marinated in garbage.