I don’t mean it as a general proposition, even though it may be true). I’m talking about Halloween here.
I realize this helpful announcement is coming a bit late, but there’s still time to salvage what’s left of your dignity. What follows is a brief (and non-exhaustive) list of costumes which are not clever:
Sarah Palin:
Unless you are actually in the process of birthing an actual child who is unmarried and pregnant, please just stay home. This costume was worn out before anyone had even put it on. Going as Palin doesn’t make you seem “with it”, “hip”, or “edgy” no matter how many times you talk about drilling, moose hunting, or say “you betcha”. Also? You can’t do the accent. You think you can, and your friends will humor you, but it is terrible. You are not even one of the first one million people to think of this. Please, people. Do yourselves a favor.
The Joker:
You do not have the capacity to live up to the role. Even if you have a professional make-up artist at your disposal and commonly get mistaken for Heath Ledger in the street… the minute you open your mouth, you will ruin the costume. Even if — nay, especially if — all you can do is quote lines from the movie. Do you remember watching Michael Jordan play some of his best games? You know, those games when you just couldn’t believe how out-of-this-world he was playing? The ones in which he seemed to defy each and every law of physics and statistics? That’s Heath Ledger as The Joker. You attempting to go as that character for Halloween is the functional equivalent of the nerdiest, least coordinated kid from your high school pretending to be MJ in his prime.
Non-Costumes:
Listen, asshole: if you don’t want to dress up, don’t go to a costume party. Going as “a college student” is not ironic or funny. If you’re going to go to a costume party costumeless, at least have the stones to just say you didn’t feel like dressing up. The reason you don’t want to do that is because it makes you sound like a douche-bag. You know why? Because that’s what showing up to a costume party without a costume makes you.
Costumes that require explanation:
The limit on explanation to your costume is one sentence. No compound sentences either there, Faulker. If it takes a dissertation to explain what the hell you’ve done to yourself, you failed. Ideally, you should be able to get away with a few words. Be warned, many of these ideas have been run into the ground (see, e.g., One Night Stand), but they can still be least mildly comical (if done well). Caveat: if even a singe person with an IQ above 40 says “I don’t get it” when you give your one-sentence description, go home… and don’t come back until your costume has stopped sucking.
Anton Chigurh:
This costume is probably even worse than The Joker because a) you’re going to have to explain to people who you are and b) you are not anywhere near a big enough bad-ass to pull this off. If you are, you are probably already in prison1. Also? A jean jacket and a quarter does not a costume make.
Borat:
Not only is this costume now two years old, but walking around saying “Great success!” and “Very nice!” in a really crappy imitation Borat accent is not going to get you any “sexytime”. From anyone. Ever.
Characters from The Office:
Dwight and Michael are out. Don’t even consider it. Couples going as Pam and Jim should be shot on sight. Kevin could possibly be an acceptable costume… but before attempting it, you are required to stop random strangers in public and ask them to critique your accent on a scale of 1-10. Anything less than an 8 is a no-go. Creed is another valid possibility… but you’d better be able to talk like creed, not just sound like him or you’re going to let everyone down.
Sexy _______:
By god, if you’re going to do this, be hot. Seriously, ladies. Put on your costume… put it on Hot or Not. A score below 9.0 is unacceptable. To be EVEN MORE sure, divide your Hot or Not score by your body fat percentage… if the result is less than 1, put some fucking clothes on and find guys to sleep with the normal way… by going to a bar, getting trashed, and saying “I’m SOO drunk!!” as loudly as you can. Alternately? Just suck it up and go get a job at a strip club. We all know that’s the fantasy you’re trying to live out anyway.
Hello, felons! Thanks for reading. Please don’t rob me.
All good points. Our creative department will be wearing costumes tomorrow. They’re basically not far from being in costume on a daily basis so I don’t know what the fuss is about.
I’m going to be grapes for Halloween!
Pete, I think I speak for most men when I say it’s a bad idea to discourage the “sexy _____” costume choice. Yes, I want them to be 9’s or above too, but a lot of women underrate themselves. Think about these things, man!
If you really want to see unattractive women in unflattering costumes… more power to you, I guess. I still think it’s over done.
I feel the need to mention your law school Halloween ensemble from a few years back…ye olde premature ejaculation. Doesn’t that break at least 2 of your rules above?
It does indeed. But these are rules for 2008, it was a different world back in 2005. Also? That was funny. Most people are not as funny as I am. (Or as modest)
And what brilliant costume does Pete have planned?
Night Moves *is* hiring “nice girls” . . .
*smiles* This is why I am ever so happy with my costume this year… Then again I always get outdone at at least one Halloween gathering… but given that I’ll be a bartender this time ’round… pulling off the ’sexy costume’ thing should be good for the tip jar.
Besides… the Pirate/Ninja will definitely win any fight.
And I’m with Mandy: What are YOU planning for Halloween, Pete?
Almost any girl can pull off the “Sexy ______”–it just depends on what level of sexy vs. slutty she goes for. There are plenty of sexy costumes that don’t show mid-drift, where the more unsightly offenses tend to occur. And women who don’t know how to put their boobs away tend to share them on a daily basis, so it should be nothing new.
Leave us girls alone… seriously, you try finding a halloween costume you’d want to see an average 7.0 girl wear… the industry just makes it impossible!!
The issue is not capacity, Valerie, it’s results. The number of women who fail to pull off their “sexy” costumes every year is staggering.
Also? This is not the “industry’s” fault… there are no shortage of great costumes for women of all shapes, sizes, and Hot or Not ratings… it’s just that most of the truly good costumes don’t involve taking a costume idea suited for a 10 year old and slutting it up.
I mean, honestly, someone found my blog a few weeks ago searching Google for ’sexy astronaut costume’ — give me a break.
Hey, that was me!!
Those costumes are much harder to find than you’d think. Most of the ones a girl can buy that would qualify are just completely unflattering. And although I don’t feel the need for Halloween to be an excuse to look slutty, I also don’t intend to use it to make me look bad, either. What’s a girl to do??
What ever happened to young adults making their costumes rather than just buying them?
Body fat percentage under 10% for women is generally a sign of either extreme athletic ability or an eating disorder. The recommended amount is about 20-25%, with athletes in the 16-20% range and 12% being the lower limit on “essential fat.” Who would like to hear Pete’s body fat percentage?
http://www.healthstatus.com/calculate/bfb
Hey Ryne… you know when you’re watching a movie, there’s always that guy who says something like: “That’s totally fake… that explosion couldn’t have done that, it’s against the laws of physics!”
For this post, you’re that guy.
If I’m the “that’s totally fake” guy, you’re the guy who points out that the female lead character isn’t that hot and that you could do so much better. Michelle Pfeiffer (BFP: 13.2%) fails your test: hot enough to be Catwoman (which I beleive is a standard sexy costume), not hot enough for Pete.
Oh, for crying out loud. It’s a joke, Ryne, and you’re analyzing it like it’s a policy paper.
Go get a blog.
It’s a sad commentary on our society when you (accurately) feel the need to point out that there is virtually no chance of someone pulling off the Joker.
(Not that being unable to meet the standard of the original keeps me from going as Matt Foley, motivational speaker)