Ask Pete: Breaking Up Is Easy To Do

Dear Pete,

I have an old friend back home. Whenever I go back (a few times a year), she is always very eager to get together. She has a young son and doesn’t get to hang out with people her own age very much. I like to see her, and try to make time for her on every visit.

I’ve spent the summer about an hour away from where she lives. I saw her the day after I got back from [school], but I haven’t been able to make plans with her since then. We’ve tried, both people initiating the contact, but our schedules don’t mesh. Also, I need to travel to see her if we’re going to see each other at all, and I can’t always make the trip.

We were supposed to see each other the day before I leave for [College Town], but I got a big job interview for the same day. I wrote her an e-mail and told her I couldn’t make it, and why. I offered an alternate time that she had once indicated she was available.

She fired back with a pissy e-mail that started with, “You know what, just forget about it …” and continued with “I guess I just assumed that since you would only be in the city for the summer that we would actually get to see each other a little more often that before.” This passive-aggressive guilt crap is pretty standard: When I forgot to return a phone message within a few days, she posted, “So…planning on calling me back sometime this summer?” on my Facebook wall.

Pete, if I were to draft a snarky letter to this person, what should it say?

Signed,

Sick and Tired

Dear Too-Nice-For-Your-Own-Good,
I feel your pain. Really. The fundamental issue here, as I see it, is that your “friend” (for whatever reason) is a selfish bitch. We all know people like that… the problem is that you’re still friends with her. People like this don’t learn if they are coddled. (See, e.g., JWest). I’ve taken the liberty of drafting a letter that should solve your problem.

I’m assuming that this is a single-mother situation. If she’s married, her husband needs to let her out of the house a little more often.

Dear “Friend”,
I’ve been thinking about what you said in your email, and I’ve decided that you’re right. We really should have seen each other more often this summer, and I’m terribly sorry that things came up the way they did.

Unfortunately, however, I have a life. I will not turn down career opportunities because it might inconvenience your babysitter. I will not be blamed for mutual scheduling conflicts and I’m not going to pretend to (or actually) feel guilty because you don’t get out of the house enough to suit you.

I understand that being a mother requires lots of sacrifices, but they aren’t sacrifices that I signed up for. We’re supposedly friends, though, so I don’t mind taking some time out of my schedule to make it easier on you, but don’t kid yourself. That’s not something you’re owed and you really don’t have a right to be irritated when someone else won’t go out of their way to see that you’re paid enough attention to.

If you want people to go out of their way to help you and see you, I have a few suggestions:

1. Get over yourself: The world doesn’t owe you anything.
2. Be appreciative: Nobody likes to be taken for granted.
3. Assess your emotions: Don’t punish others for your discontent.
4. Be understanding: Sometimes things come up. Get over it.

I don’t need friends who are all “take” and no “give” and who then get pissed off when they’re not “given” enough to suit them. In fact, nobody really needs a friend like that. That’ll be helpful to remember if you ever reassess the way you treat others.

Toodles,

[Your Name Here]

So, uh, yeah. I’d say just start with that, add facts and examples as necessary, toss it in your email and hit “send”. Be prepared, though, to handle the massive passive-aggressive onslaught that this is bound to unleash. If you need some advice on that, well, I’ve got some experience.

Being an ass so you don’t have to,

-Pete