So originally I had planned to start doing AskPete replies as videoblogs. Unfortunately, my camera disappeared at a party last week and I have no other reliable way to do video… so this will have to suffice.
Pete,
What is the best way to get revenge on my really awful ex?
Bitter in Bloomington
Dear Half-of-all-women,
This is a very difficult question. After all, what it really comes down to is: how crazy do you want to look? You might also want to consider what level of criminal charge you’d be willing to pick up to accomplish your goal. For the sake of argument, let’s pretend like you’re not willing to break any laws but the sky’s the limit when it comes to crazy. Here are some options:
- Register hisname.com — In this internet age of googling prospective dates, this can be an incredibly effective deterrent. If you dated a guy named Joe Smith, register www.joesmith.com and tell your story. Use his name. Give good details with which a future significant other can identify him. Do not lie on this site. That could be bad and would make you look super crazy. Refrain from drawing conclusions… just state the facts and let the reader decide how bad it is. If you don’t want to pay, go to Wordpress.com or Blogger and pick up joesmith.wordpress.com or joesmith.blogspot.com. The basic gist is that you want to show up on the first page of a google search for the guy’s name. Be prepared for this to escalate hostilities after he finds it.
- Spread his secrets — does he (or has he ever) had an STD? Some sort of erectile dysfunction? Does he keep a teddy bear under his pillow? Has he committed some sort of crime for which the statute of limitations hasn’t expired? Does he cheat on his taxes? Does he fuck around at work? Take it to the limit… you want to be the biggest tattle-tail to ever have tattled. This works well in conjunction with #1, but go a step farther: instead of taking the Field of Dreams approach, be proactive about telling people.
- Tell him you had an STD — this will scare the shit out of him if you had any sort of unprotected sex. Understand that one off-shoot of this is that your mutual friends will now think you have an STD.
- Hit him where it hurts — what would he hate the most? Do that. Repeatedly.
- Set him up — Seduce him. Convince him that you just want one last hurrah. Get him worked up. Tell him you want to do things to him that you’d never done with him before. Show up. Get started. Schedule a phone call. A booty call if you can. Make sure it comes once you’ve got him good and warm. Answer the phone and leave. The bluer the balls, the better.
Without venturing into the realm of criminal behavior, there’s not a whole lot you can do, and most of it makes you look crazy. Guys have a lot of default sympathy for guys with crazy exes, because most of us have either had one or known one… so you really have to make the case that he deserves what he’s getting, or guys are going to avoid you.
You also run the risk of being so mean that he gets more sympathy than anything else. Past a certain point you start to get a lot of “two wrongs don’t make a right.” Tread with caution. Enlist the help of a neutral, but vindictive friend. Also enlist the help of a soft-hearted friend… stay somewhere between the lines.
Try not to be too psycho,
Pete
