Ask Pete: Scoring with 1Ls

Dear Pete,

I’m a rising 2L and VERY excited about the prospect of all the fresh meat — I mean, new 1L colleagues — who will soon join us. Problem is, I’m a socially awkward law student with no idea how to interact with people in a social atmosphere.

Can you offer me some tips on how to bag some hot 1Ls?

Signed,

Looking for Law School Lovin’

Dear Future Predatory 2L:

Bagging yourself a 1L is a pretty simple task. Bagging a hot one is another story. In either event, if you are a gal, the job will be much easier. For the ladies, I suggest finding a good looking one who, either drunk or sober, seems at least mildly interested in you, your sweater kittens, or anything in the immediate vicinity of your crotch. Then show up at his house. Naked.

Bring beer.

Gentlemen, your task is a bit more difficult. There are a few types of girls that you might be able to ply to your base desires.

The first is the girl with the smart kid fetish. You’d better hop on this one QUICK because they’ll quickly find out that just because you’re a 2L doesn’t make you really smart. Early in the semester most of them will believe that everyone at law school is smart. If you can fake it well enough, you’re golden. Most of these types are not super hot, but many of them are pretty good looking. Your mileage may vary.

Second, and this is your best bet, find the scared insecure ones. They’ll come to you for banal law school advice, most of which you’ll either know or can fake because it’s not important anyway. Comfort them. Make them feel like they’re doing everything right. Be their rock in the storm, their knight in shining armor, blah blah blah. Basically they’re looking for someone to assuage their fears. Be that guy, even if you’re sure she’s going to be the first person to ever try really hard and still flunk out of law school.

Third is the old stand-by: the desperate girls. Follow the same routine that the predatory 2L ladies will need to follow, except do not show up naked. The penis was not one of god’s more beautiful creations and no matter how desperate and horny she might be, seeing your penis is a necessary evil, not something she’s really jazzed about.

Finally, and I have not tested this, but my sources tell me that if you are sincerely nice to them, interested in what they have to say, and “take time to get to know them” that you could reach your goals that way… although that sounds like a bit of an Old Wives’ Tale to me.

May all your conquests be easy ones,

Pete