Gentlemen, this post is not for you. You should still read it, though, because odds are good that you know someone who needs to read this.
Ladies1, this post is not comprehensive. I promise that there are lots of other chances for you to royally screw up your life aside from these.
Now pay attention, because what follows is the gospel truth2.
Marriage is for life. Except when it’s not. But divorce does not give you back the years of your life that you spent, the money, or return your emotional investment. It basically just sucks and you don’t want to do it. The best way to avoid getting a divorce is to stay married. Failing that, the best way to not get a divorce is to not get married in the first place. Which of those options you choose depends on the person.
Simply put: you should not marry just any old fool who gives you dandelions picked from the neighbors lawn and is nice to your cat when you’re around.
There are some nearly fool-proof ways3 to tell if you are marrying someone who is really bad for you. I’m going to tell you what they are. I really should write this in a book so I can profit from it, but I’m feeling generous. So here you go…
1. Do not marry your first boyfriend. I am serious. I know it is hard to believe, but people have done this. Why? I don’t know. Probably because this advice column had not yet been written. Now, though, there is no excuse. If you think he’s amazing and wonderful… take a break. A long one. Have some other relationships. I promise: if what you have is so special, you will be thoroughly unimpressed with your new relationships. If you have already had some relationships and this one seems peachy-keen to you, good work. (Alternately, if you don’t like this idea, stay together for a LONG LONG TIME before getting engaged…and observe all of the following rules)
2. If he wants to propose to you within the first three months4, RUN. I’m serious. There is nothing stable, mature, or otherwise good about a guy who wants to sprint down the aisle. I mean, this should be obvious to you: most guys who are in great relationships and love their significant others to death still wake up in cold sweats when they dream about buying a ring, proposing, or getting married. This does not make your guy better, it makes him crazy. Crazy.
3. Do not give him credit for things that he’s supposed to do. If someone asks you what is so great about him and the only thing you can come up with is “He’s nice to me”, dump his sorry ass. “Nice to you” is something everyone should be. All of your friends should be “nice to you” (unless you insist on marrying this guy, but that’s another story) but you should not marry all of your friends. Your grandfather is nice to you. Would you say yes if he proposed? “Nice to you” is what earns him the first date. If you come back from your first date and think “Well, he’s nice to me” — that’s when you decline the second date because… you two are not meant for each other. Find someone who has qualities you like, not one who barely meets the minimum requirements for not finding him repugnant.
4. If you are from social classes that are miles apart, proceed with extreme caution. Not that people from lower (or higher) social classes are bad, just be aware that that class difference is going to put a gigantic strain on your relationship… especially if he is from a LOWER class than you. Hypothetically, if you are a doctor and he mops up pig entrails at a local butcher shop, this is probably not a good idea.
5. If you find yourself attracted to every guy who pays attention to you, this does not make you a “nice person” or “nonjudgmental” or “accepting”. It means that you need to sit down with a professional and figure out what’s wrong. When a reporter asked what kind of women he liked, Rick Bragg, a critically acclaimed southern writer, replied “I like the kind that like me… no point in likin’ any other kind.” This is funny, but it is a bad basis for selecting the love of your life. You know this is true because the reporters laughed, and you know that reporters have a horrible sense of humor, so it must have been very funny.
6. Listen to your friends. You should listen to them before you get engaged, too, but pay special attention to how the severity of their opinion changes. If they get much happier for you, it is probably disingenuous. I know this sounds counter-intuitive… but if they thought it was a great relationship to begin with, they’d have been really happy all along5. They are happy because you are happy. If they get much stronger in their dislike for the guy, be very wary. This is especially true if the opinion is from either a close, trusted friend or is a pattern of opinion you see building up in all of your friends. These people are not stupid. Listen to them. And ignore any of them whose best words of support are “As long as you’re happy.” That phrase should never have been invented because all it means is “OH MY GOD! What are you doing to yourself!?” One of the best long-term things you can do for yourself is to LISTEN TO YOUR FRIENDS. They are objective. They are not “in the moment”. They are not stupid6.
7. Listen to yourself. If you find yourself making a lot of excuses for him… or saying things like “But we love each other!” on a frequent basis, there is probably trouble brewing. Love is wonderful and necessary… but love is not all that is required for a successful long-term relationship. In fact, I’d guess that most all couples who get married are in love when they do… things change. The novelty wears off… how long are you going to tolerate making excuses for him? Bottom line: knock it off.
8. This goes along #6… if your relationship forces you to forego most all of your other human relationships — or if you find yourself wanting that — there is probably something unhealthy about it. You might think that this is just a sign that your love is sooo strong and that what you have is sooo good, but you would be wrong. Your significant other should compliment your social life, not abduct you from it. Be honest about this. Do not pretend like work is causing the problem. Do not pretend like it’s just unfortunate schedules. Also be very careful if he doesn’t like your other friends. He doesn’t have to like all of them, of course, but if he doesn’t care for any of them (or acts too anti-social to meet them or be around them… or does so only grudgingly) be very concerned.
So there you have it. Read the list. Take stock of your life. Get out before it is too late. Even if you don’t feel comfortable breaking up totally, at least take a break from the engagement… after all, if you’re right and it is wonderful and great… it’ll wait for you because, as we all learned in 8th grade, true love waits, and fake love tries to coerce you into swallowing.
1 - Amanda: this post doesn’t apply to you. I am great. Please do not dump me.
2 - Much like everything else on this blog, but sometimes it bears repeating.
3 - That is to say, if you have these reasons, you need to dump the guy, but absence of these indicators is not a “Seal of Approval”
4 - Caveat: if he is going off to war (or something like war), you might ignore this for practical reasons, though I’m not sure. Think about it.
5 - It could also be that they weren’t paying attention and they assume that since you’re getting married it must be great. These people sometimes forget that over half of all marriages end in divorce.
6 - If you have a lot of stupid friends, you are beyond my help. I’m sorry.
June 6th, 2006 at 9:24 pm
I especially like #1 - my own personal belief is that you have to date the losers (or in my case, the potheads) before you can truly appreciate the winners.
Good post, Petey.
June 7th, 2006 at 12:25 am
I find it highly amusing that my browser tab shortens this title to be “PeteHoliday.com::How Not To Screw.”
Terrific article, Petey - even those of us firmly entrenched in long-term relationships can find nuggets of truth in here.
June 9th, 2006 at 12:46 pm
Very true. I think you’ve condensed all the truth and cut out all the crap of all the best relationship advice out there. Aptly timed, as I’ve been pushing my significant other to get married (although, we’ve been together three years now.) You made some points I already knew but didn’t want to think much about.
June 14th, 2006 at 10:52 pm
Pete,
Maybe you could do something about eliminating marriage as a state (government) sactioned institution, instead of a religious rite. It’d cut down on divorces, and the need for so many divorce lawyers!.
June 14th, 2006 at 10:58 pm
I think there’s a lot of support (and rational basis) for eliminating “married” as a legal classification and moving strictly to civil unions… churches could still recognize marriage if they wanted… it just wouldn’t be something the country dabbled in.
…but I don’t think I’m very interested in reducing the number of lawyers.
June 21st, 2006 at 4:45 pm
Cute, and generally accurate.
“over half of all marriages end in divorce.”
Interesting statistic… accurate even (I’ve heard ABOUT half)… but HIGHLY misleading. There are people out there who have been married a double-digit number of times. Or, to put it anothr way, for every couple who gets married and divorced twice, there are 2 couples who get married and never get divorced. For every couple who gets married and divorced 3 times, there are 3 couples who got married and never got divorced… you see where I’m going with this. The real world math is much messier (as the same couple isn’t getting re-married each time), but it generally holds that most PEOPLE don’t get divorced, even though most marriages (or about half, or so) end in divorce. Just an interesting aside.
As to the civil union thing… in some ways, it’s not a bad idea, but I just don’t think it would catch on, unless you also stopped referring to your spouse as “husband” or “wife”, as those terms refer to marriage as well.
Getting the government out of marriage in that manner gets the government INTO redefining our language… which is a good dal more frightening, really.