On Computers

I get a lot of questions about computers. How to fix this, why doesn’t that work, what is a such-and-such… I’ve been answering those questions for a long time but I’ve kept the true details of the inner workings of computers a secret. My Computer Nerd Oath required it. If I ever revealed the horrible truth, I could be excommunicated or, worse, consumed by the evil spirits.

But it’s time to share with you, at the risk of my very life, that computers are not machines… they’re magic.

The first computers where machines. Punch cards, vacuum tubes, and big rooms filled with wires. They could do math at high speed, count things, and sort records, but that was about all. A long way from modern computers, eh? Thats because today, computers arent machines, they are magic. A modern computer is a magic box filled with ceremonial components that traps in a little evil spirit who is forced to work for you.

“Computer Scientists” are really little more than witch doctors who are capable of conversing with and manipulating the little evil spirit inside the computer. It should come as no surprise to most of you that I’ve been in regular communication with evil spirits for quite some time.

But anyway, the cat is out of the bag. From now on, instead of calling a computer technician, it’s clear what you must do when your computer breaks. Just keep in mind the hints from the above article, and you should be well on your way to controlling the evil spirits inside your computer.