How to Blog

This month alone I’ve provided you, my dear readers, with valuable public service announcements. One kept you abreast of breaking news on the Steak & BJ front, helped you improve your Hot or Not score, encouraged you to Eat an Animal for PETA, and even alerted you to the perilous dangers of Dihydrogen Monoxide… yes, this blog is indeed a helpful member of the community at large and takes great pride in helping you (yes, you) out! With that in mind, and inspired by Teresa’s request, I intend to teach each and every one of you how to blog, and blog well. Are you excited? I know I am.

1. To begin, get your sorry asses off of Xanga and LiveJournal. Yes, I’m talking to you Irene and Robert. Off. If you insist on being lame, at least be BlogSpot lame…
2. Next, understand that BlogSpot is lame. Everyone with a blog knows a nerd. Damn near every nerd has web-space that he or she will loan/rent/give you. I’m one of them. Manny is one of them. Granted, blogspot isn’t horrible, but let’s face it, all the COOL bloggers have their own domain names and such. You do want to be COOL, don’t you?
3. Find a niche. Or several. Some people blog about politics… some blog about CNN… some write about professional wrestling… there are all manners of things to blog about. If you blog exclusively about your boring life and you make it boring to read, you don’t have a blog, you have a journal… and you should spare us all and write it down on paper. Then burn it.
4. We all want traffic. One sure-fire way to do that, is to insult a blogger that actually has readers. If you’re lucky, (s)he will respond, post a link, and you’ll get all kinds of people coming over to tell you that you’re a moron… but they’ll still be there, right? This is fairly effective, but remember… winning a blog-fight is a lot like winning at the special olympics… you may have won, but you’re still retarded.
5. Go to extremes. This is very important. Whatever you do, be extreme about it. You no longer “disagree with George Bush” you now “Think Dubya is a stupid-head that should be impeached.” You may combine this point with the last one for extra-credit.
6. Get a blogroll. Link to people. It doesn’t matter if you’ve never met them. In fact, if you actually know them in real life, it doesn’t really count. You should read the blogs you link to every day, that way if they say something smart you can point it out on YOUR blog. It’s great. FREE CONTENT! If they say something stupid, see points 4 and 5.
7. Now that you have a blogroll, you need to occasionally de-link people. Whatever you do it for, make a production of it. You can also tell which blogs are smaller than yours because they’ll gripe about your de-linking of them. Heaven forbid you ever get de-linked… but if you do, raise holy hell. This is tantamount to the person insisting that your first-born looks (or will look) like a monkey that lives in the ugly tree. You should make an even bigger deal of this than when you de-link someone.
8. Also once you have a blogroll, you should link to me. Yeah, I know you weren’t going to… freakin’ ingrate.
9. Next, the three L’s of bloggerdom: Linkwhoring, linkwhoring, linkwhoring! It’s imperative that you participate in linkwhoring events like the Carnival of the Vanities, Globe of Blogs, The Friday Five, and all other manners of ways to pimp your blog. In addition to all of that, some people with significantly less shame than myself actually email bigger bloggers and say “LINK ME!” They do so with limited success, I believe.
10. Comments. Not only should you allow comments on your posts, (*ahem* NICOLE!) But you should comment on the blogs that you read. Especially if you have something inflamatory to say. You schmucks on blogspot can use Haloscan
11. Post early, post often. In fact, you may have to quit your job or school in order to post often enough. Don’t stop until you’ve read absolutely everything on the internet and have discerned that all postable material has been covered.
12. Do about a million quizes. If you’re 12. If you’re older than that, or are pretending to be, you should avoid them most of the time. Same for surveys.
13. Get a gimmick. Nobody can survive on talent alone… least of all you, ya putz. If you’re hot, post nekkid pictures of yourself… or clothed pictures, I suppose. If you can draw or you take good pictures… post them regularly. And give it a fancy and clever name… like “Bob’s Weekly Photo.” Poetry is strictly off limits because it’s been scientifically proven that you’re the only one that thinks your own poetry is worth a shit. Everyone else is just humoring you.
14. Do it for you. Or your readers, if you have loyal ones… but fuck everyone else. People are fickle, and if you thinking blogging is going to bring you quick fame, just realize that it won’t. In fact, it probably won’t EVER bring you fame. That’s because, as I’ve mentioned before, you’re probably a talentless schmuck. (Statistcally speaking, of course)
15. Then once you’ve been blogging for a year or two, you’ll hopefully realize that the rules are good guidelines, but even the best of us (ha!) take quizes, post song lyrics, and such things.

So there you have it… not my best work, I don’t think. Oh well. Thems the breaks. Maybe it’s because I’m hungry.