Hot or Not?

I’m a huge asshole. This is no surprise to anyone, but I’m going to do something today very out of character for me: I’m going to help you (yes, you) improve your Hot or Not rating. No, I’m not dishing out my patented beauty tips. I’m going to show you, with examples, what NOT to do… it should be fun, no? Let’s begin!

1. First and foremost, let me just point out that auditions for Dawn of the Dead ended a long, LONG time ago.
2. Next up… picture size. If your picture is so fucking small that the text “click here to meet me” wraps onto THREE LINES, nobody wants to meet you. What the hell are you trying to hide, anyway?
3. There’s so much wrong with this picture I’m not even sure where to start. a) Don’t dress like your pillows. b) Cowboy hats are either very good or VERY, VERY BAD — know the difference. c) Just… just… NO!
4. Taking pictures while strung-out on caffeine is a BAD IDEA. Everything in moderation, folks.
5. Cropping. Learn it. Seriously. Nobody wants to see half of your neighbor’s house or reams upon reams of paper. Save our bandwidth, or make the picture of you bigger.
6. FOCUS, people… FOCUS!
7. …oh, and don’t forget lighting. Cameras aren’t magic, you know. Yes, we know, you all look the same in the dark… but this isn’t “Hot in the dark or Not” is it?
8. Unless you’re a fucking emoticon, rotate your goddamn picture. I don’t want to have to slant my head to the side to figure it out.
9. If your gender is unclear, you’re not hot. Period.
10. Finally, remember the one cardinal rule of Hot or Not… Cleavage makes everything better! …ok, not EVERYTHING.

And there you have it, folks. Today’s Public Service Announcement.