Wednesdays in general don’t bother me so much. I’m not sure why this one does, but damned if I don’t want to go right back to bed and sleep until tomorrow.
How about this… tell your favorite joke in the comments. It doesn’t have to be dirty or off-color… but it would help.
Here is one to cheer you up on this fine wednesday:
A man takes his wife to the stock show. They start heading down the alley that had the bulls. They come up to the first bull and his sign stated: “This bull mated 50 times last year.”
So I just recently got engaged. Beautiful woman, I love her to death.
There is only one thing that bothers me about my situation however. My Fiance has a younger sister that is 20 years old. She’s beautiful as well. It always seems like whenever I’m over at my fiance’s house, her younger sister is always prancing around in low cut tops, short skirts, and with everything hanging out. Normally I wouldn’t complain about this, but when something like that is going on you can’t help but look and well you can guess why I don’t wanna get caught looking. I just don’t want to hear that argument.
So I’m sitting at home one day and the phone rings. It’s my fiance’s sister. She tells me that my fiance is worn out planning all the wedding stuff and she wants to help out. She told me her Mother took my fiance out to a movie to relax and she wanted to finish the wedding invitations before she got home to surprise her. She wanted to know if I would help her out. I though this was a great idea. Never hurts to get on the good side of the family.
When I got there, we begun filtering through the invitations and after a while I felt a hand on my knee. I looked over and my fiance’s sister was staring right at me. Of course, she was wearing a cut-off top and a very short skirt. This didn’t help the situation. She moved her hand slowly up my leg and leaned over and told me that she had always had a thing for me and that she wanted one experience of passionate sex with me before I was lost forever to her sister. She got up and walked to the top of the stairs. She said that she would be in her room if I wanted to join her. She then took off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me and walked off.
I thought about the situation for a minute and it didn’t take me long to figure out what to do. So I turned around and walked out the front door headed for my car. As I walked outside, my fiance’s father was standing there with a big smile on his face. He told me I had passed his test and I was fit to marry his daughter. He hugged me and welcomed me to the family.
The moral of the story children?: Always….Always….always…..keep your condoms in your car!
I got these off of petebeck.com…He calls them bad but I found them humorous….
Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was a-salted.
A jumper cable walks into a bar. The barman says “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”
A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says, “Sorry we don’t serve food in here.”
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
Patient: “Doc, I can’t stop singing ‘The green, green grass of home.”
Doctor: “That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.”
Patient: “Is it common?”
Doctor: “It’s not unusual.”
A guy walks into a psychiatrist office wearing only Glad Wrap shorts. The shrink says, “Well, I can clearly see you’re nuts.”
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.
What do you call a fish with no eyes? … A fsh
There were 2 sausages in a frying pan… One turned to the other one and said “Damn, it’s hot in here!” the other sausage said ” Look, a Talking Sausage!”.
I think you’ve heard mine (which all seem to be off-color or dirty…)
Oh Rachel… that’s such a cop-out. Go find some new ones!
What do gay horses eat?
HAAAAAAY.
A pedophile is taking a six year old into the woods at night. She starts to cry, “I’m scared!” “How do you think I feel” the pedophile replied, “I have to walk out of these woods alone.”
That’s just wrong.
How much does it cost for a pirate to get his ear pierced?
A buck an ear! Get it? Buccaneer?! yes!
Hahaha… yay for Buccaneer jokes… speaking of, I have one:
A child out on Halloween was going door to door dressed as a Pirate. He came upon a house and knocked on the door. The porch light flipped on and a nice old woman came out.
“Twick oah tweet!” The little boy said.
“My what a cute little pirate we have here! But where are your buccaneers?” asked the woman.
The little boy scowled a bit and finally said: “Wight where dere supposed ta be wady… under my buckin’ hat!”
Thanks for the jokes, y’all — you rock!
Two doctors (pair-o-docs) opened an office in a small town and put up a sign reading “Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Psychiatry and Proctology.” The town council was not too happy with that sign, so the doctors changed it to “Hysterias and Posteriors”. This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the council, they changed the sign to “Schizoids and Hemorrhoids.” No go. Next they tried “Catatonics and High Colonics.” Thumbs down again. Then came ”Manic-depressives and Anal retentives.” Still not good. How about “Minds and Behinds”? Unacceptable again. So they tried “Lost Souls and Ass Holes” Still no go. Nor did “Analysis and Anal Cysts,” “Nuts and Butts,” “Freaks and Cheeks,” or “Loons and Moons.” Unacceptable again. Almost at their wit’s end, the doctors finally came up with a business slogan they thought might be acceptable to the council, “Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Odds and Ends.”
Here’s a nasty one:
Little Johnny was only six years old when he tried to feel his sister’s friend’s pussy. She slapped him and said not to because it has teeth and will bite. As the years passed and little Johnny one day grew to become a man, he was sitting in his car with his girlfriend, rubbing her thighs and squeezing her tits, when she said, “Aren’t you going to feel my pussy?” He said, “I can’t, its got teeth!” “Don’t be a fool,” she said, “have a look if you don’t believe me.” So he thought about it, then took off her panties and spread her legs. He looked in and said, “I’m not surprised you haven’t got any teeth with gums like that!”
For the golfers:
A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course, became confused as to where he was on the course. Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing. “I’m on the 7th hole,” she replied, “and you are a hole behind me. So you must be on the 6th hole.” He thanked her and went back to his golf. On the back nine, the same thing happened and he approached her again with the same request. “I’m on number 14, and you’re still a hole behind, so you must be on the 13th hole.” Once again he thanked her and returned to his play. He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often. He approached her and said, “Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand that you’re in the sales profession. I’m in sales also. What do you sell?” “I’ll tell you, but you’re going to laugh,” she replied. “No, I won’t.” “Well, if you must know,” she answered, “I work for Tampax.” With that, he laughed so hard he almost fell off the bar stool. “See,” she said. “I knew you’d laugh!” “That’s not what I’m laughing at,” he replied, “I’m a salesman for Preparation H, so I’m still a hole behind you.”
Here’s one for everybody:
When you have an “I hate my job” day try this: On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy, and go to the thermometer section. You will need to purchase a rectal thermometer made by “Q-tip.” Be very sure that you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the drapes, and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed during your therapy. Change into very comfortable clothing, such as a sweat suit, and lie down on your bed. Open the package and remove the thermometer. Carefully place it on the bedside table so that it will not become chipped or broken. Take out the written material that accompanies the thermometer and read it. You will notice that in small print there is a statement: “Every rectal thermometer made by Q-tip is personally tested.” Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times: “I am so glad I do not work in quality control at the Q-tip Company.”
A midget is interested in buying a horse from a man. The two approach the horse that is for sale and the midget asks “Excuse me thiw. Could you pick me up tho I can thee the howses teeth?” The man finds this slightly annoying but agrees. “Vewy Nithe Vewy Nithe.” says the midget. “I want to thee hew main. Could you pick me up tho I could thee hew main?” The man is now really annoyed but he does it because he wants to sell the horse. The midget then asks “Can I see hew twat?” At this point the man picks the midget up shoves him into the rear of the horse and pulls him out and puts him on the ground. The midget says “Let me wephwase dat. Can I thee hew Gawup.”
Ranked wokkawokka status by Fozzy B inc.