Things to Do in California

1) Face inland and wave hello to my dear old granny.
She might even wave back at you. Make sure she uses all of her fingers; if not then we can reasonably assume that she’s mistaken you for me.

2) Be sure to spend at least one day at the beach.
Don’t stare too hard at the boobies. Everyone knows they’re fake, and you’ll just out yourself as the tourist that you are.

3) Spend some time at Disneyland.
If you’re like us, you’ll spend the first four hours doing nothing but riding Splash Mountain, over and over and over again. Don’t wear white then raise your arms when you get to the place where the camera snaps the photo, ok? (One of life’s little lessons learned far too publicly for my tastes.)

4) If you go to Knott’s Berry Farm, ride Montezuma’s Revenge twenty times, just for me.
Ride it, don’t live it.

5) Face north and shout “HELLO!” to Amy.
About whom I’ve got absolutely nothing snarky to say because she rocks just. that. much.

6) When driving, immerse yourself in Colorful Cali Culture by taking little side-trips to intensely interesting places like Watts and Highland.
Highland was where I was born and sort-of raised, and Watts just plain scares me.

7) If you go to the movies in Rancho Cucamonga, do not give your phone number to Fred, especially after he asks the guy-that’s-just-a-friend that you’re there with, “So, are you two bangin’ or what?”
Just doing my part to keep you alive and stalker-free. And speaking of….

Stalk Vin Diesel.
Otherwise how will you know where to find him once you’ve attained utter world dominance and the time comes to bestow him upon me as my own personal pool boy?

9) Go to Universal Studios and take the tram tour.
Then spend the rest of the day bitching about how, back when you were a young girl, the tram tour was so much better. It lasted all. day. long, had more attractions, and was far more entertaining than the mere shadow of an exhibit it has become today.




And: Ooooo…Amy. Forgot to tell you that I put the kibash on that idea. Here, at any rate. Feel free to expound at your leisure!