Quarters and Underwear

Want to make a college guy happy? I want to share with you the quickest way. Well, the quickest way that you’d tell your grandmother about, anyway. Give him quarters. Give him underwear. Quarters and Underwear rival a friend who’ll bail you out of jail as a college guy’s most prized possession. After all if, by some stroke of misfortune, the event that should’ve landed us in the jail actually lands us in the hospital, we want to be sure that we’re wearing clean underwear.

Laundry, for most college guys, is a necessary evil. Hell, what guy wants to spend hours of his day washing, drying, and folding clothes? That doesn’t even take into account the time it takes to identify foreign clothes and return them to their respective owners, which can be quite a feat if more than one girl person has left stuff lying around.

Quarters: the universal ally of poor college kids everywhere. When you’re not fortunate enough to have access to a free washer and dryer, you are forced to endure the horrible monopoly that quarters hold on most university laundry systems. More and more schools are allowing you to debit out of your university account, but for those that don’t, having no quarters means having dirty clothes. Having dirty clothes is, of course, ok if all you’re going to do is bum around the dorm or eat at the dining hall… and what qualifies as dirty is a topic for another day… but there’s one thing that needs to be made clear… most college guys don’t wear dirty underwear, and the ones who do, shouldn’t. I and this website are taking an official stance on the issue of wearing dirty underwear, and we are not in favor of it.

The other issue at hand is Underwear: a laundry procrastinator’s dream. Underwear, for reasons that I don’t think I need to explain to anyone, get dirtier more quickly than any other article of clothing under normal wearing conditions. When you combine the fact that underwear, under virtually all circumstances, are considered “dirty” after one wear with the fact that you just don’t wear them dirty, you realize that the time between visiting the dreaded laundry room is constrained by the number of pairs of underwear you have. The more pairs of underwear in your drawers, the longer you can go without doing laundry. It’s great. So, when christmas rolls around, and college guys get underwear (as I did this year, bless my parents) the first thought is “Hallelujah! One more day of not doing laundry!”

Some might say that we college guys lead pathetic lives… but to them, I must contend that wearing clean underwear and not wanting to do laundry are fundamental concepts of the American Dream. Don’t hate, folks, we’re just living the dream.