The Tale of the Rolled Yard; Part 1

Last night, the boys of 1319 6th Avenue had their house rolled. For those not familiar, this involves covering the trees, shrubs, and all other exterior belongings of another person with rolls upon rolls of Toilet Paper. Now, this can be a very annoying thing to have done to you, especially if it’s done well. It’s no secret that I have enemies, and it was apparent that the act of vandalism was directed at me… so there was no lack of suspects, but I’m getting a little ahead of myself.


How not to roll a yard
First of all, let me just say that this has got to be one of the worst rollings I’ve ever seen. It was just pathetic. But, more than pathetic, it was just dumb. I hardly know where to begin!

What’s the first thing you notice about the above two pictures? How about the fact that those trees are much taller than anyone took advantage of. With a pretty short pole, I was able to clean most of the crap out of the trees in 20 minutes. In order to be effective, you’ve gotta get stuff high, and there has to be lots of it. The bushes below are not very tall, and they were hardly touched. If you don’t have the arm strength to get stuff up in the tall trees, by all means, do the ground-level bushes! They also tried to roll my car and failed miserably.



The brilliant souls who perpetrated such a heinous act did several incredibly stupid things. First off, they took the time and effort to rip up individual pieces of toilet paper and scatter them all about the yard. Honestly, this is annoying, but a quick raking (or mowing) of the yard, and this is all cleared up. It’s not even a big enough yard for this to be impressive. Next time, use that toilet paper and wrap it around a tree or something. Moreover, they really did a number on the mailbox. Shaving cream, toilet paper, breakfast cereal, the works. The dumb part? It’s a MAILBOX… granted, the postmaster has more important things to worry about than shaving cream, but that doesn’t change the fact that this is a federal offense. Probably the most incredibly stupid thing that was done involved the PURCHASE of the supplies. It was done with a debit card. What’s worse? They left the freakin’ receipt! They left it in a bag, with an unused can of shaving cream. Proof once more that we were DEFINITELY not dealing with professionals.



I took some more pictures, so here they are. First we have the pile of Toilet Paper that was pulled down from the trees. This is not very much. It’s also interesting to note that a combined total of six rolls worth of TP were found STILL ON A ROLL… and not even high enough in the tree that they couldn’t have been retrieved. We also have a very conspicuous “I &#091HEART&#093 PETE” written in shaving cream on the driveway. This was either written to be sarcastic, to frame someone else, or as a desperate plea for attention. You know, nothin’ says lovin’ like a whole lot of toilet paper.



The last item is a bit of damage I found done to the rear, driver’s side tire of my car. It wasn’t there two days previous and I have my doubts as to whether it is likely to have been done during the normal course of driving. This is the one thing that was done that I could legitimately file a police report for. I have a very, very good idea who the culprits were… while they don’t seem the type to resort to property damage, but you never know what some people will resort to for attention.

The sadness and patheticness of the rolling is laughable… but I guess it’ll teach me to… not ever do… ummm… whatever it was again.