God is a Lesbian

So the title of this post probably startled some folks a good bit. Some of you are, no doubt, shaking your heads and swearing that I’ll burn in hell. That’s ok. For those of you who haven’t run off already to go beg forgiveness for reading the title, bear with me… I think I’ll make a pretty convincing argument.

Exhibit 1. The female body (I’ll leave actually finding the exhibit as an act for the reader — this is the freakin’ internet, if you can’t find one of these, you’re probably not fit to breed) Now, my “preferences” may make me a bit biased here, but I really do think that the female form is a work of art. I really don’t think all that many people would look at one of these miracles of nature and say: “Wow… that looks kinda funny.” Granted, there are a great many derivations from the basic form here, but the original idea was a damn good one.

Exhibit 2. A Penis, et al (Once again… if you can’t find one of these, you shouldn’t breed… in fact, if you can’t find one of these, I seriously doubt you’ll be able to) What in the hell was the creator of this contraption thinking? There’s no mind towards aesthetics here. Oh, yes, it’s very functional… but that’s where its qualities end. To me it looks like Someone was playing with the Clay of Creation and had some left over and thought: “Gee, what should I do with THIS little bit? Oh what the hell, I’ll just stick it here… he’ll be wearing pants anyway.”

Exhibit 3. Mentality It’s also important to note that, by and large, men are stupid. It’s also important to note that women are evil on an order of magnitude equal to men’s stupidity. Just have a look at the day-to-day behaviors of the typical man and woman. Now, if you’re honest with yourself I know you’ll begrudgingly admit that men are, in fact, stupid and women really are evil.

The Argument
When taking a look at the respective bodies of men and women, one might be inclined to believe that the woman’s was designed by an Architect and the man’s was designed by an Engineer. The woman’s body is functional but someone was definitely paying attention to how that thing looked as it was being put together. Now some of you are saying “But Pete! That’s a perfect argument for God being a man!” and that’s what all those ancient bible writers thought too… but they’re wrong, and so are you. If God was a man, we wouldn’t have such odd looking bodies.

When you add in the fact that I think almost all of us would rather be evil than stupid, you get the combined effect: God cannot possibly be a man. However, if he were a straight woman, not only would men have more visually pleasing bodies… but we wouldn’t be quite as stupid. Why is that? Well, most “Man Stupidity” is definitely directed at women. How many headaches and frustrations are caused for women at the hands of stupid, stupid men (or men acting stupidly)? Yes, that’s right, lots.

So we know that he cannot possibly be straight man, or a straight woman. There’s not even a spec of argument that I’ve seen to suggest that he’s a gay man, Bisexual anything is out too, but a Lesbian? That satisfies all of the arguments.

For all of you puritans out there who are trying to find the adequately strong words to display your displeasure for this particular post I offer you one suggestion: just get over it. Thanks!