Look Ma’ He’s Wearin’ Shoes!

I’m one of several dozen interns at work this summer, and all interns are required to take a “speechcrafters” class, which is basically worthless for me, but they do pay us to take it, so I can’t complain much. They split us into several groups, and each of us have to give two speeches during the course of the summer to our group. At the end of the summer, the group picks one person to represent them in the ‘departmental’ speak-off. The winner from each of these competitions goes to compete for the whole thing… with the executives as the judges.

Now, I hate giving boring speeches. This usually doesn’t stop me from doing so, but this summer I decided to bust out a bit of humor and make fun of the south in one of my speeches. It turned out to be enjoyed to such an extent that I was selected to go to represent the group. The first competition is on Monday, and I think I’ve gotten the speech pretty much finished, so I decided to post it here for your entertainment. Standard disclaimers apply. Most of the information can be found online in some form or another.

If this offends you, quite frankly, I don’t care.

I’m a southerner by birth. I burst forth into the world in a Fayetteville, North Carolina hospital on thanksgiving morning in 1980. Since that time, I’ve lived in 13 different states, most of which were not a part of the confederate forces back in the day. And so, by many standards, I’m quite conflicted: I’m a southerner with a Yankee upbringing (And you think the boy who was raised by wolves had an identity crisis!). I spent all of Junior High and High School here in central Illinois, but when it came to choosing a school, I somehow ended up in Alabama. The Heart of Dixie.

Now, we ALL know that college is about getting an education. Little did I know that I’d learn more during my first semester there OUTSIDE Of the classroom than they could possibly teach me in even EIGHT years in the classroom. You see, for those of us not brought up there, there’s a litany of things to learn… I’d like to share with you some of the things that I’ve learned over the past three years and five handy tips to know should you ever visit the south.

I’ve learned that there’s a large sect of southerners that do not speak English the same as the rest of us do. This has caused me to greatly expand my vocabulary. Observe:

I now know how to reckon. As in: “I reckon I’ll give this here speech”

I know that y’all can be plural OR singular

I’ve figured out how to know when I’m fixin’ ta do something

If you might could do something, then it’s possible that you’d be able to; and if you might should then you probably ought to.

Further, it doesn’t matter how horrific a thing you say about another person, so long as you smile and bless their heart!

I’ve learned that a “bar” is not only an establishment that serves alcoholic beverages, but also a large ferocious inhabitant of the woods; that “beckon” is an archaic way to call to someone, and a breakfast product made from pigs; and that “kilt” is not only a traditional garb, but also what John Wilkes Booth did to President Lincoln.

Here’s a little tidbit that you may not know about the south: footwear is not as common as a Midwesterner might have you believe. Take, for instance, my experience on my first trip to the grocery store:
“Look ma! He’s awearin’ shoes!” I heard a little boy exclaim… to which his mother replied “Don’t you mind him… he’s probably just a yankee… bless his heart!”

Which brings me to another important point: Neither “Yankee” nor “Carpetbagger”is a term of endearment.

Apparently, you can fry just about anything. And did you know that while “grits” does seem to be plural, there is NO SUCH THING as “just one grit.”

Public schools here in the north have lead us to believe that electricity and plumbing have been ubiquitous in the US for decades. Sadly, this isn’t the case. I asked a fashion-challenged friend of mine if he had gotten dressed in the dark one morning. He was seemed rather upset when he replied: “Leave me be! ’round here we ain’t used to none of them new fangled gadgets like ‘lectristy… but we done had runnin’ water and indoor plumbin’ for YERS!”

You should also know that football is no more of a game to southerners than confession is to catholics. In fact, rooting for rivaling college teams is a just cause for divorce in the south. You should also be advised that “he needed killin’” is a perfectly valid defense down there.

Here are some tips that a southern friend of mine emailed to me before I came down to Alabama. It’d serve you well to take note of them, just in case you ever find yourself below the mason Dixon line:

• If you do run your car into a ditch, don’t panic. Four men in the cab of a four-wheel drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don’t try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
• If you hear a Southerner exclaim, “Hey, y’all, watch this!” stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say.
• Most Southerners do not use turn signals, and they ignore those who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a southern license plate, you may rest assured that it was on when the car was purchased.
• If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the most minuscule accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It does not matter if you need anything from the store, it is just something you’re supposed to do.
• As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember, many folks learned to drive on a model of vehicle known as John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for that vehicle.

But I’m certainly not complaining! You see, many folks down there believe that the south will rise again, and it’s not that farfetched: In his book “Dave Barry’s greatest hits” Dave Barry writes: “the South has 96 percent of the nation’s armed pickup trucks, wheras the North mainly has Fitness Centers, so it would be over in minutes.”

And this barely scratches the surface of the things that you’ll learn if you visit the south. I know right about now some of you may be kicking yourselves for not going to school in the south, but fear not! One of the most beautiful things about the south is they not changing any time soon… you’ve got plenty of time to schedule a visit… shoes strictly optional.